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New Beginnings
A separation and divorce brings with it both endings and new beginnings. Endings, such as the end of a marriage or the way we have defined a relationship; beginnings, like the arrival of opportunities to relate to each other in completely new ways. If we have kids to co-parent as well as to whom we wish to model great relationships, or if we want to change how we currently communicate with each other, then we have the choice to either prolong our pain by engaging in warfare, or to transform it by engaging in peaceful negotiations.
How?
One way to do this is to negotiate with the help of a mediator, while you (the couple) bring clarity to and collaborate on the terms of your separation. Many couples like to negotiate without any help, which can definitely be the way to go if there is a level playing field. That, however, is often not the case. The participation of a neutral third party can bring balance to an otherwise imbalanced dynamic, which can often look like this:
a) John tells his wife Jane that he is unhappy and would no longer like to be married to her. Before either has really had a chance to process and deal with the implications of this decision, they decide to sit down and discuss the terms of the separation. During this discussion, Jane often becomes visibly upset, and blames John for the break-up of the marriage. Because John feels guilty for having initiated the separation, he agrees to let Jane keep the house, the car, the kids, the dog, and two thirds of his paycheck while he moves back in with his mother.
The imbalance here is created by the guilt that John feels. A mediator who understands family/relationship dynamics can be instrumental in ensuring that neither of the parties gets short-changed in the negotiation process.
b) Sue has always been the major breadwinner in the family while Mike has stayed home to care for the kids. There has always been an unspoken adherence in their household to the Golden Rule (the one with the gold, rules), so when both decide they can no longer be married to each other and sit down to work out the terms of their separation, Sue, as usual, is in charge. Mike, as usual, gives in to Sue's demands, because that is what he's always done.
The imbalance here is created by control. A mediator with a good understanding of family/relationship dynamics can be instrumental in ensuring that the process remains fair and that power imbalances are addressed.
The Benefits:
We may not want to admit it, but deep down most of us want to be fair. Actually, our happiness and peace of mind in the long run depends on this. The problem is that our emotions and biases can get in the way of a fair process, and we become like small children stomping our feet, wanting to be right and wanting our own way. This is part of being human. Ask any one privately who has been separated or divorced for 5 years or more if they would have changed the way they handled their separation, and in hindsight many will admit to having regrets. Mediation is a great solution for couples who are committed to taking the higher road and who recognize the value of a neutral go-between.
Mediation may be right for you if:
- You and your ex are committed to finding peace throughout and beyond the separation process.
- You have children together and want to put their best interests first.
- You desire a much more cost-effective and co-operative approach to the dissolution of your marriage than litigation.
The Process:
If you find you need help to negotiate the terms of your separation and/or divorce, then call us.
If both parties are willing to mediate, then an individual meeting will be set up for each, whereby a coaching session in negotiation will ensue. At this session, each person will have the opportunity to tell their story, to decide on their terms, and to clarify their bottom line. After each has completed this session, a joint meeting will be set up, whereby each of the parties, now being clearer on what they want, will have the opportunity to negotiate with the mediator present. Other professionals may be included in this meeting if needed, and further joint meetings will be scheduled if required. The spirit of these meetings is meant to be amicable, co-operative, and as non-threatening as possible. Remember that the goal is to bring balance where there is imbalance, and both parties must be absolutely willing to do this in order for the process to work.
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